Is that a clown in the mirror?

Okay, here's the thing.  Even though I'm a twenty-year old college student, make-up sort of terrifies me.  I just have no real concept of how it is supposed to be used.  The only lessons I got in the area came from my brief exposure to fashion magazines, but with no close, fashion-capable female friends during my formative years, I quickly lost any knowledge I gained.  It's been an uphill struggle ever since to try to catch up with my peers.  I'm pretty sure it's too late, though.  Basically, I have no sense of how to apply makeup and how much makeup is enough.  To any guys reading this, I want you to think about how lucky you are as you keep reading.

Here is all the makeup I have with me for the summer.  At least I think that it's all that I have, but there could be more hiding elsewhere...

And yes, for those of you paying attention, I do have 3 nearly identical hairbrushes there.  There's one or two more hiding in other places.  Yet my hair does not stay neat and tidy.  Make of that what you will.

Now, if the intelligence I have gathered is correct, that's actually a relatively small number of cosmetic-y things for a girl/woman [insert Britney Spears song here] my age to have.  That's scary.  Here's a breakdown of these various war paints and how much I understand them.

The Lip Coloring Agents

Okay, these I mostly get.  However, these are all either glosses (generally no real color) or very light lip tints.  Even so, I'm worried that I put on too much.    I put on the slightest bit of lip tint and see this:

turn into this:

So I defeat the purpose of the whole venture by wiping off most of what I just put on.

Eyeliner and Mascara

I actually used to know how to use eyeliner and mascara, at least somewhat.  I still have some mascara skills (kind of) but it doesn't help that all I have is mascara I inherited from my mom that is now at least 3 years old.  It clumps and doesn't quite work right and I'm always worried I'm going to have a tiny seizure and get the stupid stuff all over my face.  Speaking of tiny seizures: eyeliner.  Eyeliner is one of the scariest things in the world to use, and yet many women are societally expected to use the stuff every day.  IT'S A PENCIL MOVING RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR EYE.  THAT IS INHERENTLY DANGEROUS.  But even if I do manage to get eyeliner on without poking my eye out, apply the mascara, and then use the little curling thing to make my eyelashes stick up, I always feel like I've messed up.

I make a lovely raccoon.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing or wearing, I always feel like eyeliner in particular marks me out as trying too hard.

Also, you see that little brush in the picture?  I've tried using it to untangle my eyelashes (yes, that is a problem), but I have no idea if I'm even using the thing correctly.

Eyeshadow

Oh God, eyeshadow.  This stuff really terrifies me.  I've had it all my life, but it has brought me almost nothing but pain.  The only time I ever wore it was when I went to my proms.  I had a friend (Tonks from the last post) put it on for me both times and before I got the dress on I always thought I looked like a prostitute (and, as Tonks will tell you, I declared that thought quite loudly and with great emotion the first time).  I just have no idea.  I put a little on and I see nothing.  I put a little more on:

I should audition for the part of Oscar the Grouch.

My friends tell me that I'm supposed to blend it or something.  Okay.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU.  BEGONE, SATAN!

It just never works, so I never wear it.  So why do I have so much of it lying around?  Why do I bother to bring it to college and bring it home every time I travel?  Because I have a vain hope that one day I'll have a magical epiphany about the stuff, that's why.

Note: You may have noticed that there is no blush anywhere in my makeup stash.  That is because, if anything, I know less about blush than I do about eyeshadow.  Oddly, though, I trust it more.

Face junk

This one hurts the most because I thought I actually had a handle on it.  Wash face twice a day with the face-washy stuff (doesn't always happen, but I know how to do it!), put lotion on skin (well, apparently I should really have some special face moisturizer, but I don't), then put foundation/concealer stuff over face so that my acne and acne scars are less blatantly obvious.  I've been using concealer since high school (I didn't even know it existed until about sophomore year - what a great discovery that was!), so I was almost positive I knew what I was doing.  That is, until about a month ago.  One of my friends asked, "Are you wearing foundation?".  My response:

Captain Oblivious.

My friends finally told me that apparently there were lines around the edges of my foundation that I hadn't blended in well enough.  Great.  Apparently, the only makeup I really felt comfortable with was stuff I had been using wrong for years on end.  Brilliant.  The worst part?  My skin problems were still pretty visible anyway.

So, in conclusion, there are way too many cosmetic products out there, and some of us were absent on makeup day in the School of Life.  Maybe someday I'll figure it all out, but part of me doesn't want to.  Part of my identity has been set pretty firmly as "the girl who doesn't do girly stuff," and I'm not sure how much I want to change that.  Basically, if you ever see me wearing well-applied eyeshadow that I put on myself, keep an eye out for four menacing horsemen hanging around.

Edit: I have remembered at least two fashion-savvy friends I had growing up.  However, by that point I was focused on video games instead of asking questions about makeup.